Bonterra Park 11th June 2009

Swanny arrives today after the usual opinions on what he would actually bring were
traded. He wanted to bring what EasyJet (Easy?) said you could carry on for free i.e bugger all. We wanted him to bring, the largest Branston Pickle Jar he could get, the whole series of “West Wing” from brother Alan, other DVD’s, my Sony Walkman power lead, some decent tea bags and various books.
He says, “I could probably squeeze in the power lead?” So I then informed him that when he arrives, we will have moved somewhere else. Turns out the restricted size of the “free” hand carry on only allows for a bar of soap and two pairs of underpants, so he is paying the extra £16 to take a case, limited to 20 kgs mind.

Tricia has been looking a little troubled of late and I finally found out why. Basically Tricia is a “cleaner”, that is she likes things to be clean. That also means not my type of “clean”. Whip round with a brush and rag; take off the surface stuff and “Thataldee” (Geordie expression for an excellent job, well done). She, on the other hand, wants to get in all the cracks and crannies, even the cooker top, and take twice as much time, what a waste. So with the imminent arrival of “a guest”, and I use that term very loosely, she wanted the OUTSIDE cleaned as well!
This had taken on a rather burnt sienna look after the brief “brown rain” we had had, so I explained we would only have to do it again when we left so why not just leave it to then? Not really an argument after that comment because the last time I saw that look in her eyes she was chopping off a rabbit’s head ready for a stew.
So off for the “big” ladders from reception. I washed it first and then she washed it “better”, well the bits that I missed. It’s a lot harder/bigger than a car; we even remembered the wheels and awning. Anyway that’s her up the ladders finishing off the windows.
I don’t know why but I noticed a number of the blokes near us going for a cold shower.
Thinks (could be a good spare time job when we get back, “bikini babe window cleaners”)

I said to Tricia, the other morning, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She replied, "I'll miss you..."

Bonterra Park 9th June 2009

Well we finally have satellite TV. As previously mentioned I had brought a 0.3 m dish, definitely no go. See that one behind the tree is a 1.6 m dish and it belongs to Colin who also owns that monster he is cleaning, as you can see. It’s a “Magellan” and has on of those “smart” cars on a trailer. It has three slide outs which manage to fit between the trees. It’s about 9 tons and 10 m long, costs well over £150K I believe. Anyway he says “you could probably hook up to my dish if you have a long enough cable. Quickly down to local bazaar, local cheap shops run by Asian families (does nothing change), who sell just about everything. 80m of cable later and Bob’s your parent’s brother and we are watching over a thousand channels.

Now one of the things we were not going to miss is all the bad news of what was going on when we left. It’s STILL going on! MP’s expenses, Brown’s charisma bypass, house prices, swine flu..etc. So within 10 minutes I am shouting at the TV. I’ve already been shouting at the computer whist reading the papers via internet.
So it’s just like being at home again and we decided to go back to watching DVDs. Tonight it will be “I was Monty’s double” with John Mills in B&W, yes it’s getting that desperate. Send some please, address to follow.

Went for a bike ride and decided to spice things up and let Tricia lead, so I asked her how far she wanted to go. (no please) “About 8 miles”, “OK, just through the town and turn left at the place we did the other day”. Now for 8 miles it’s not really worth sliding my lycra (calm down Pat) shorts over my now shaved thighs (all us true cyclists do it you know), so I thought “Give her enough rope”.
4 miles later, “Do we turn here?”, “What do you think?” “Er…er”. “Look pet; if we turn there we will be back to the MS in 10 minutes” (by fast car mind) “OK”
6 miles later. “Is that Carrefore?” “Yep”, “So this is Castellon?” “Yep”
“You bastard!” Round trip 23 miles, I thank you! (She did enjoy it really)

During the ride Tricia kept stopping and “adjusting herself”; after a while I asked her what was going on. “Well, I think (think?) I’m wearing a pair of knickers that are a bit too big and they are really getting in a bit of a twist”. Whilst this “adjustment” went on a number of times and we were out in the sticks is OK, unzipping your shorts outside Carrefore and having a rake around was not what I would call the height of modesty. Highlighted by the sight, and sounds, of a Spanish cyclist riding into a bus stop.

Bye the way, for those out there who know Tricia (not in the biblical sense!), she has been suffering from ME (that’s Myalgic Encephalopathy, not me, then again could be right) for 12 years or so. So, we were both worried that she would “come over all funny” because any excessive physical exertions bring it on. So the cycle riding was a bit of a worry. Turns out no problemo baby and she has perked up all round, well not THAT perked up.
Something funny though, she said to me the other day “Have you seen that young Spaniard who delivers the water? He’s got a gorgeous six pack”, when I asked her “Was it Stella or Heineken?” she just gave me a blank look? Women! What do I know?

Wash day yesterday and since it was the turn of “the sheets” we had to use the machines in the laundry on site. €3 for 5 kgs of dry wash. Lifts up laundry basket, “That’s about 10 kgs, 2 washes, Pet”.

Now as an ex-Posty, we were always been told “No more than 16 Kgs in those pouches!” I’ve seen Postmen, and Postwomen, staggering to their bikes and barely able to lift them on to the tray at the front. Up steps a manager “Did you weigh that pouch?”, “Of course, exactly 15.9 Kgs”. “Er, but our scales measure only in even increments (true), so how come 15.9, ha-ha got you there!” “I guessed the other bit” (The “other bit” probably being about 6 or 7 Kgs) “Or well that’s all right then, off you go”.

So relying on me to guess is probably not a sure bet at the best of times. Result was that it took 2 goes at €3/go and a call to a washing machine mechanic, to figure out that “we” had put too much in. Also found out that the “once a day sun protector” called Piz Buin (and costs the bloody earth for a thimble full!) is more likely to be “once a week” because although Tricia always showers after she has been “cleaning her bike” (she previous post); her side of the white sheets were now, in fact, cream.

BBQ tonight, two enormous half chickens that we will have with salad and a nice dry white wine, after which; “Monty’s double”.

P.S. Stuart, your comment worked OK and thanks for the books and support (it will be back next Tuesday thoroughly cleaned and mended).

Bonterra Park 7th June 2009

7th June! We have been gone 1 whole month!
Last 5 days pretty similar, bike rides, 20 odd miles is not uncommon nowadays, although we did go to Onda via the Navara, because it was a bit too far.
When we arrived at the tourist information shop, it was shut. Tricia wanted to go to the “famous” museum but it was shut until 4pm. As we could see the castle from where we were, we parked (only place actually in Onda itself, to park) and set off in that direction. Fairly steep climb but we finally made it, sweating profusely as it was early afternoon and the temperature was mid 30’s. Got the castle gate, yep you guessed, shut!

Followed Tricia down, as she took pictures of just about everything, doors, windows, birds, steps, thank God for digital cameras.
Stopped for a coffee, asked for dos café leche, got just that except they had already put sugar in and, as usual, Tricia ate my biscuit.
Received an unusual request from Mr Swan back in Blighty. “Queeny Swan is off on a hen week end, I could pop over?” Thought he must be joking as he has just come back from a week in Greece or somewhere, so “Yeah, OK, plenty of room”. Next second, another e-mail “See you on Thursday then”!
Then of course it’s “hire me a bicycle, pick me up, get the beers in, wipe my arse etc.”.
He never changes you know. When he gets here the first thing he will want to know is “where’s the Port then? That’s it there mate, pretty terrible isn’t it? That’s Tricia with another “sweet” coffee and a cake she said she really liked but did not know what the hell it was?


I hate birds. Sitting having a good read the other day, splat! Right on my shoulder, I don’t know what it had been eating but green and yellow was certainly part of it. I asked Tricia for a tissue “What the heck for it will be miles away by now!”
Tried the restaurant on site, “3 courses plus wine/beer, €9” Well there were choices, but my starter of Pasta and Bolognese sauce was very good, either chicken or mixed fish. Tricia wanted fish, I went for chicken. “It’s off, all gone, how about lamb?”
Now lamb is one of her indoors favourite so it’s yep, yep, yep me too please. It was OK’ish. Pudding was a pineapple panecotta, gorgeous. We also had a carafe of wine and I had a beer. €18 not bad except we hadn’t eaten that much so far and wobbled back to the Mothership.

It’s Sunday morning, I’m reading The Sunday Times online. Tricia is “cleaning her bike” again. What that really means is that she “intended” to clean her bike but decided to get her cossy on, eat oranges and lie in the sun while she is reading. She has “cleaned her bike” like this for some time now. The bike just gets browner with dust, she just gets browner.
Tricia “bike cleaning”.

Got a shock while we were at the port, I ordered a “beer” and the waitress DID NOT UNDERSTAND! This must be the only part of the world that the word beer is not universally understood, I tried “Bieree”, “beeraaa”, “birra” and was on the point of shouting slowly as we English do at times like this, when I remembered what was written on the last twelve pack I bought at Lidl. It’s “Cerveja”, pronounced “kayvetha”, with the emphasis on the second syllable from the end of the word. So I now know why I don’t see many drunken foreigners around the place and lots of Spanish falling all over. After about 3 drinks we can’t pronounce it anymore and have to just go home! So Swanny be warned.
As I have said in other posts, this is not a part of Spain frequented by many British so you must learn the language, consequently we are giving it a go. Tricia is doing really well and adding to her vocabulary every day. I have managed to say “kayvetha” more than tree times in an evening so learning anymore would just be showing off.

Bonterra Park 2nd June 2009

Not a lot happening recently. Sun, Sun, overcast (for a couple of hours), bit of welcome rain and then Sun again. Temperature usually in the 30’s.

Tried the aircon for the first time, my God it was noisy so it must have a fault, hope we don’t really need it until we get back and get it seen to.

Daily schedule is; get up about 7:30’ish, tea, check e-mails, shower, shave and s. Her indoors tends to manage to stay in bed until about 9:30.

Talking about showers; I’ve found out that you need to be careful as to which shower to use. They can be VERY hot which of course is a good thing, but if you pick a shower that’s closely connected, i.e. on the same supply as the others and the wash basins and toilets can be a problem. So in the middle of a shower someone flushes etc. and WOW! So if you pick the right one, number 4 in my case, either at the point of “flush” you step out because there is a slight delay or it doesn’t reach you at all.
I always shave in the shower, always have done and a lot of people can’t understand this. Basically I know where my face is, the bits to avoid and I usually do a good job.
As I thought I may miss the odd shower whilst away I thought I’d get an electric shaver which of course I promptly left at home.

I remember getting an electric shaver when I was about 17. My Dad used a “7’o’clock” single bladed contraption that screwed together. “You’re just a girls blouse using that thing Son, should use a proper manly shaver”
“Tell you what Dad, give it a try I’ll bet you will change your mind”
So, next morning he gives it a go and is on for about 5 minutes before he throws it back to me. “Look Son, I will admit it’s smooth but it doesn’t give a very close shave, it’s bloody useless”.

He hadn’t taken off the clear plastic cover. I thought it wise not to mention this to him.

Ablutions done its back to the Mothership for a Colombian coffee and a good read.

Just finished Ken Follett’s “World without end” (1237 pages), a tale of life in a small hamlet in 1300’s England. Not a bad read actually. Also Michael Crichton’s “State of fear”(717), Johnson Beharry’s “Barefoot soldier”(434) and Martin Lewis “Bloody heroes” (432). I found an “old” copy of Tom Clancy’s “Clear and present danger” (816) and am presently re-reading that. You have noticed that I have been indicating book lengths, well this is important because as stated before, it’s “never mind the quality, feel the width” that’s important to me. Five weeks left and I’m running out of books!

Been on a few more bike rides after “modifying” my ladies lycra shorts i.e. inking out the “Women Sports” motif and re-modelling the gusset to fit my “meat and two veg” rather than the standard “flat” arrangement. Problem is that they must have some effect on me because every four weeks I get an irrational urge to shout at people and now for some reason I cannot reverse the car.

Tricia “tried” to make a casserole last night. We had bought “some meat” from good old Lidl, so she cut up some vegetables and put it in the oven. We had both been brought up on gas ovens but for the last 15 years or so had moved to electric. That first change over brought a lot of undercooked and burnt offering before we figured it out. So the upshot of this is that although we knew what 180 on a fan oven could do we had now forgotten the difference between 2 and 7 on the gas version.

After about an hour on “2” I could hold my hand against the glass window of the oven “It’s not hot enough, pet”. “Yes it is! Leave it alone, I’m the cook, it’ll turn out dry and burnt otherwise, sod off”. “But”. “LEAVE IT ALONE!”

Went for walk, three ours later, “Well we could fry it you know”. “Well I told you….” SLAP!

Bonterra Park 27th May 2009

Went for another bike ride to Castellon yesterday (Tuesday, 2 weeks and 3 days already!) to a shopping centre called Alcamp, on the west side of town. Thought it would be a camping place, (or a place for homosexuals, who knows). Turned out to be a set of outlets like they have in America.

When we got to the town it was actually open as we had had the foresight to go before siesta i.e. not between 1pm and 4pm. Had a coffee and found a fish/vegetable market. Unfortunately as Tricia had her bike with her she could not actually shop, which was a pity.

Pushed on to Alcamp, locked up the bikes and went wondering around with Tricia in serious shopping mode as she had spotted, among other things, a Nike outlet and she had been NEEDING another pair of shoes/trainers.

We had lunch in an American dinner type of thing and it was pretty dreadful.

In a DIY store we bought a piece of pipe that would be perfect to connect to our waste hose when cleaning out the tanks, interesting isn’t it?
In almost no time, well perhaps an hour Tricia had chosen her new trainers and I had bought them. In a sports goods shop I was trying to get her to get a pair of shorts and a top more suitable for bike riding, instead I ended up with a bike top and lycra cycling shorts (with a chamois crutch). I tried to get Tricia to buy some as well but she declined saying that anyone over the age of 25 shouldn’t even be in the same room as an item of clothing made from Lycra.
Cycled back and noticed this had been our longest ride, 26 miles!
On our rides this is Tricia’s most visited place, about once every 20 minutes.
When back Tricia insisted that I get my stuff on and then proceeded to fall about laughing which really hurt!

Her comments reminded me of when I used to do pantomime during my time as an apprentice at Thorns Valves and Tubes, Sunderland. In one part in Cinderella and her seven dwarfs, don’t ask, all the men, there were 6 of us and 2 women, had to dress up in black women’s tights. The audience was made up from Factories A, B, C and D, approximately 500-600 but mainly women. As we came dancing out, the canteen women, who usually sat in the first row, all shouted “Oh look, packed lunches”.
Ever since then, when ever I put on a pair of tights I think back to then, err I think I better stop there.
The lycra shorts were of similar value to Tricia it appears. What made it worse was that when I took them off she said, “Where did you get these from then” and proceeded to point to a little tag on the inside which stated “Women’s / large”.
I thought the crutch was a little roomy.
Had you ever wondered why middle aged men, especially British middle aged men almost always wear socks when wearing sandals? I think I now know why.

Meanwhile after the ride we were cream crackered, and after the obligatory game of cribbage, which I won again, so it’s now 6-5, to her, in the series. It has got so bad, as I have won the last 4 in a row, that at one stage, when she thought she would end up in SS (ask any Swinhoe), she just stopped playing. The secret of course is Gin and tonic. I bought some and Tricia found them and the result is I win more often.

The satellite dish has ceased to be. There are a few ways of rigging it, via a G clamp, that does not fit to anything, bolting it to a (wall?) or using a suction thingy and sticking it, high up, on the side of the Mothership. So I’m sitting there reading and “clang!” and it is now on the ground. Connected it up again and zip. Mind you, we were only getting some foreign channel from “Turksat” or something. So it looks like I might be investing in a bigger one.

Today we are mostly just sitting around recovering from yesterday. I’m planning a bike ride in my new gear but I think I will wait until after dark.

Bonterra Park 24/25th May 2009

Last couple of days it has been cloudy but still mid 20’s, so warm enough.
Spent the day going for a cycle ride into Castello, round trip about 24 miles, Tricia’s getting pretty OK at the cycling bit now.

Also decided to wash the car, which was a new experience for Tricia. It was so warm that it was drying in streaks as soon as we washed it.

Last rain it actually rained. Trouble was it rained brown rain and the car is dirtier now than it’s even been in its life. Tricia had also spent ages was the Mothership, well up to the point she could reach, So it looked as if it had a tide mark round it. (note to self, buy a ladder). She did the BBQ, the tables and chairs, same story, there’re all the same brown colour now. As there is going to be a storm tonight I don’t think I try and rectify the situation, although everybody else is lining up at the car wash station.

Tricia managed 12 hours sleep last night; I honestly think she just waits until I do her some breakfast. This morning it was egg and toast.

Going to be a desperate day waiting for the football results. It’s gone to the predicted last gasp for Sunderland. Between, us, Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Hull. Trouble is, I don’t want any of them to go down, I like them all but I hope its M&H and not us.

Main job today is to try and get the Satellite dish up and running, from all accounts my “tiny” dish does not stand a chance, I’m surrounded by things 1.5m and upwards. Also the trees and metal posts don’t help any.

We went round to the “washing up” area, basically provides a number of sinks with hot (very) & cold water for washing dishes, cloths etc. plus electric points to plug in our portable twin tub. As Tricia began to wash up I decided to pop next door to have a pee.
Now the ladies & gents toilets and showers run parallel to each other and as I was “walking the dog” one of the loudest, frightening, explosive farts erupted from one of the woman’s cubicles. If I had done it I would have checked if my arse had fallen off!
So I come out to help with the drying and of course all I get is “JOHN! Do you have to do that! I explained, she did not believe me, what did I expect? A old’ish small round French woman appeared, I pointed, Tricia fell about laughing.

I this missive for a while and now its Sunday 7pm and Sunderland are staying up.
YIPPPPEEEEE!
Unfortunately Newcastle and Middleboro are going down. Swany gave me the news, now that he has figured out how to call me on my new Spanish mobile.
“Er, bad news John, they all lost”, “That means Sunderland stay up Al, what’s bad about that?” Unfortunately Alan is worships Alan Shearer and United, shame.

So wash car again, empty waste tanks and finally put the bloody satellite TV up.

Bonterra Park 22nd May 2009.

Holy of holys, no sun, still 25ish though.

Decided to move the Mothership a few feet across the plot; a). Because it would be straight, not straight due to tosser of a German (see earlier post), b). So that we will be able to “liberate the awning” and c). So that we may be able to do something to ameliorate the slope of the ground.

So we waited until no one was looking (see why further on) and began the magical process of “hitching up”.

The idea is to reverse the pickup to the 5th wheel hitch receiver (the bit with the slot/hole attached to the back of the pickup, locates into the “hitch” on the front of the 5er otherwise known as “The Mothership”.
Now the hitch slot is about 4” wide and the hitch is cylindrical piece of metal 3” in diameter, 4” long with a 1/4” collar at the bottom, hanging from the front of the Mothership on a very stout arm.

Not a lot of room for error there. Also the Navara pickup is an auto, so no nice slipping the clutch either. Another “also” is that the height is critical; it is adjusted by raising or lowering the Mothership via two electrically driven “landing legs” at the front. Too high, no engagement, too low you biff the Mothership back a bit. So it has to be set so as to lift as it couples.

Well if you are on a downward slope and you get it wrong, wave goodbye to your 5th wheel.

Check list before hitching

1 Disconnect mains cable
2 Remove slideout supports
3 Clear inside (anything that can fall and break WILL fall and break) and retract slideout
4 Place bricks behind rear wheels on 5er (if on a downward slope)
5 Lift in steps
6 Detach any clothes lines, bikes/people leaning against etc
7 Remove lock and slide out looking pin on 5er hitch receiver
8 Drop tail gate
9 Connect electric cables and breakaway cable to pickup.
10 Go back for car keys, in the drawer “covered up “ by the now “in” slideout
11 Slideout out, get keys, slideout in
12 Fall out of door because you forgot you did not get the steps out.
13 Begin the process by extending the “legs” and guessing the right height (can take the odd minute or so)
14 Start car and open all windows so that the yelling can start

Then hitch up, yeah right!
Uneven ground does not help. So you are reversing a 2 ton pickup into a 3.5 ton 5th wheel aiming a 3” piece of metal at a 4” slot approximately 42” off the ground and you can’t see all of it out of the rear window (which is heavily tinted).
The whole shooting mass costs more than £50k.

Piece of piss really. By the way, reversing cameras are a no go as they are usually wide angle and like it says on some side mirrors (i.e. Jurassic Park) “objects may appear slightly bigger than they are”, so no help there then.

Left, left, no, no your other left, left, left, RIGHT! RIGHT! STOP!
Go back stupid! I MEAN FORWARD! FORWARD!
Right slow, slow, left, er I mean right, TOO FAST! STOPPPPPPPPP!

All the time the good wife has been standing at side of the pickup, holding the locking pin as far out as possible to give “maximum slot width” (don’t ask)

GO FORWARD YOU BRAINLESS NIT WIT, now back, back, MY TOES! MY BLOODY TOESSSSS…..!! FORWARD!!!!!!

“You’re bloody useless you are, you know”, “do you want a go? Umm I somehow thought so, right then let’s try again”

By the way, Tricia has never driven on “the wrong side”, as she puts it, ever in her life. Opps sorry, once in Portugal. In a Fiat rental, on a country road. Within seconds of taking the wheel she very nearly drove straight into front of an oncoming HGV “on the wrong side of the road!” I was pretty OK but the kids had counselling for months afterward.

So the very thought of “her indoors” driving a 17’ pickup with a 30’ 5th wheel hanging on the back, weighing 5 tons or so, on the “other” side of the road barely bears thinking about.

You also get someone, who has never even seen a pickup, trailer combination, turn up and start “left hand down man, left hand down!”
What the hell is that suppose to mean? Left hand down my what? My trousers, My socks….? Is he some kind of Caravan Club pervert?

So on and on until, usually by sheer luck and 30 minutes later, “click”.

That particular noise, no it’s not a “noise”, it’s an anthem, a call, a “hello” from an old friend, a climax a……wait a minute lets not get carried away,

Anyway this is why we would rather hitch up without an audience.

Of course reversing this monster is also a pop if you have finally figured out that to go left you go right, right, you go left, NEVER EVER use full lock and try not to let the Mothership bump into the pickup cabin on a turn.

By this time I had forgotten why we had started this.

Reversed into the plot, more or less first time, and into the correct position so at least straight (well ‘ish)
Except, awning still not fully open as a metal post is mysteriously in the way and the slope is as bad as ever.

All in all a very good waste of a day.