Bonterra Park 22nd May 2009.

Holy of holys, no sun, still 25ish though.

Decided to move the Mothership a few feet across the plot; a). Because it would be straight, not straight due to tosser of a German (see earlier post), b). So that we will be able to “liberate the awning” and c). So that we may be able to do something to ameliorate the slope of the ground.

So we waited until no one was looking (see why further on) and began the magical process of “hitching up”.

The idea is to reverse the pickup to the 5th wheel hitch receiver (the bit with the slot/hole attached to the back of the pickup, locates into the “hitch” on the front of the 5er otherwise known as “The Mothership”.
Now the hitch slot is about 4” wide and the hitch is cylindrical piece of metal 3” in diameter, 4” long with a 1/4” collar at the bottom, hanging from the front of the Mothership on a very stout arm.

Not a lot of room for error there. Also the Navara pickup is an auto, so no nice slipping the clutch either. Another “also” is that the height is critical; it is adjusted by raising or lowering the Mothership via two electrically driven “landing legs” at the front. Too high, no engagement, too low you biff the Mothership back a bit. So it has to be set so as to lift as it couples.

Well if you are on a downward slope and you get it wrong, wave goodbye to your 5th wheel.

Check list before hitching

1 Disconnect mains cable
2 Remove slideout supports
3 Clear inside (anything that can fall and break WILL fall and break) and retract slideout
4 Place bricks behind rear wheels on 5er (if on a downward slope)
5 Lift in steps
6 Detach any clothes lines, bikes/people leaning against etc
7 Remove lock and slide out looking pin on 5er hitch receiver
8 Drop tail gate
9 Connect electric cables and breakaway cable to pickup.
10 Go back for car keys, in the drawer “covered up “ by the now “in” slideout
11 Slideout out, get keys, slideout in
12 Fall out of door because you forgot you did not get the steps out.
13 Begin the process by extending the “legs” and guessing the right height (can take the odd minute or so)
14 Start car and open all windows so that the yelling can start

Then hitch up, yeah right!
Uneven ground does not help. So you are reversing a 2 ton pickup into a 3.5 ton 5th wheel aiming a 3” piece of metal at a 4” slot approximately 42” off the ground and you can’t see all of it out of the rear window (which is heavily tinted).
The whole shooting mass costs more than £50k.

Piece of piss really. By the way, reversing cameras are a no go as they are usually wide angle and like it says on some side mirrors (i.e. Jurassic Park) “objects may appear slightly bigger than they are”, so no help there then.

Left, left, no, no your other left, left, left, RIGHT! RIGHT! STOP!
Go back stupid! I MEAN FORWARD! FORWARD!
Right slow, slow, left, er I mean right, TOO FAST! STOPPPPPPPPP!

All the time the good wife has been standing at side of the pickup, holding the locking pin as far out as possible to give “maximum slot width” (don’t ask)

GO FORWARD YOU BRAINLESS NIT WIT, now back, back, MY TOES! MY BLOODY TOESSSSS…..!! FORWARD!!!!!!

“You’re bloody useless you are, you know”, “do you want a go? Umm I somehow thought so, right then let’s try again”

By the way, Tricia has never driven on “the wrong side”, as she puts it, ever in her life. Opps sorry, once in Portugal. In a Fiat rental, on a country road. Within seconds of taking the wheel she very nearly drove straight into front of an oncoming HGV “on the wrong side of the road!” I was pretty OK but the kids had counselling for months afterward.

So the very thought of “her indoors” driving a 17’ pickup with a 30’ 5th wheel hanging on the back, weighing 5 tons or so, on the “other” side of the road barely bears thinking about.

You also get someone, who has never even seen a pickup, trailer combination, turn up and start “left hand down man, left hand down!”
What the hell is that suppose to mean? Left hand down my what? My trousers, My socks….? Is he some kind of Caravan Club pervert?

So on and on until, usually by sheer luck and 30 minutes later, “click”.

That particular noise, no it’s not a “noise”, it’s an anthem, a call, a “hello” from an old friend, a climax a……wait a minute lets not get carried away,

Anyway this is why we would rather hitch up without an audience.

Of course reversing this monster is also a pop if you have finally figured out that to go left you go right, right, you go left, NEVER EVER use full lock and try not to let the Mothership bump into the pickup cabin on a turn.

By this time I had forgotten why we had started this.

Reversed into the plot, more or less first time, and into the correct position so at least straight (well ‘ish)
Except, awning still not fully open as a metal post is mysteriously in the way and the slope is as bad as ever.

All in all a very good waste of a day.